Inside the Robot


Can't always go through the motions

I've written about the Robot before. About a year ago, blast it.

It's my term for going through the motions of life when I really don't want to.

I'm very good at masks. Oh, there's always a price afterwards, but given a little time I can fake it in social situations.

Even though being social is one of the very last things I want.

Short answer. I'm prone to depression. Sometimes it lasts a long time. It doesn't "explain" me and it's not my excuse.

It means that I close myself off from the people I care about because I don't want to drag them along with me.

It means that sometimes the "peak" brings me back just a little way for a bit.

It means that people don't always know how to deal with me. Or what will set me off.

And that there is a piece of me that revels in that. There is a part of me that wants to cause the pain, that gets off on the pain in others. That's not the part I'm going to let out. And that means that sometimes I have to sit alone to ride out the temptation.

And sometimes it means that the Robot is the one who starts blogging. But on this blog, it's not very good at anything except opening the "New Entry" window. I can ride it, but when I get there, I have to say something.

Pagan Vigil is mostly reactive. This blog is mostly who I am, how I feel, what I think. Politics excepted.

When someone else is hurting, I can't always give them what they need. Even if it's just a shoulder. My need and desire gets in the way.

And now I have to go tell someone that I am sorry for not being there when I could have been.

Posted: Sun - February 14, 2010 at 02:11 PM
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