Writing on the chalkboard


Nudged to take a closer look

I've been thinking about the things that I discovered about this blog once I actually "ran the numbers."

Obviously I thought I had done more.

So this afternoon, I was making one of my favorite (if decadent) dishes. Cantaloupe, peeled and cut grapefruit slices, grapes (both green and red), fake crab, grated mild cheddar, and mayo. Not particularly healthy, but tasty none the less. And that reminded me of my friend Juliaki's "salad of religion. That got me to thinking about what I wanted to do.

When I restarted Technopagan Yearnings as a blog, I didn't want to be a "how to" site. I didn't want to be a news site, or a Pagan opinion site either, although I would do those as the occasion demanded. No, what I really wanted to do was give readers understanding into how Pagans perceived the World and how it shaped their actions. Not a "take three steps to the left and chant these words" and much as glimpsing the thought behind the beliefs and attitudes.

And now we come to one of those autobiographical digressions. When I was trying decided to put my life back together, my matron Goddess and I had some very long talks. Since I've been known to be stubborn on occasion (ahem!), it took Her a long time to get the messages across. Sometimes I'm amazed at Her patience. I'm not exactly the ideal worshiper or perfect follower. And from time to time usually I'm convinced that I know the best way. It doesn't mean I'm always right, it just means that I think I am usually right. I can be wrong, spectacularly wrong. That's when I get the "You broke it, you clean it up" treatment.

Guess what I am getting now.

It doesn't do any good to appeal to my patron God either. He's the one who told me that you Never Mess with the Aunts & Grandmothers. I sort of knew that before, but He gave me the words. Since He usually doesn't speak very much, I thought it was important to remember. Long story short, He's one that believes in the Wisdom of the Ladies and isn't shy when expressing His appreciation. Smart Guy there.

Now I could go on and on about my Corporate Clone™ days, but let's simplify and just say I was Not a Nice Person. There are many reasons, but they boil down to the fact that I was an arrogant son-of-a-gun who was convinced of his own overriding intelligence and wasn't particularly concerned with the feelings of others. Usually because I couldn't be bothered to notice those feelings.

After my suicide attempt, my Goddess was remarkably direct when I asked for Her help. She turned up my fellow-feeling a few notches. Not always of course, I would have learned taught myself to ignore it. No, She just made it turn up at the most inconvenient times. And when I didn't have anyone but me to face those empty nights. I believe it's called justice.

So a lot of what I am, a lot of what I do is in restitution. Since it's no longer possible for direct restitution, I find other ways.

If this site is really going to be something worthy, I have to find a way to get what I'm thinking across to you, gentle reader. When I do, when I find a way to pluck your curiosity or invite you a little closer, that's when I've succeeded.

Those are the entries that stand out.

Those are the posts that are "For the Ages."

That is when this blog is worth the time and effort I've put into it.

And if I wanted to be truthful with myself, those are the times when keeping up this blog ceases to be a "duty" and it gives me more back than I put into it.

Lesson learned. I think.

Posted: Thu - September 17, 2009 at 05:29 PM
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