Life lessons without the moonlight buzz - Updated


More rational this time

Obviously I was a little more buzzed on the moonlight than I thought yesterday.

I'm prone to mood swings, usually depression. I had days, months, years where I would wake up, stare up at the wall and ceiling and try to come up with a good reason to go through the day.

Yes, this meant that some times I was suicidal.

The one time I came closest, I had planned it out deliberately. I was within seconds of taking the step in the abyss, literally. And something I can not explain stopped me. And sang to me. I fell asleep, and woke up in time to greet the sun.

There have been a couple of times since, but I have never come that close since.

The last time, some online friends stopped me. I have not been suicidal again.

Depressed yes, it runs in the family. But I can deal with that.

That's why I don't drink, you know. Most of the male members in my maternal line were alcoholics by the time they hit their early teens. I went through adolescence next to the Navajo reservation, and I saw enough lives destroyed by alcoholism to give me aversion therapy.

I did do some cutting, it helped keep things at bay.

So some things are addictive.

In college it was sex and scarification. Part of that was so I could feel something, anything through the depression. Part of it was because I liked how it made me feel. And part of it was because I was an average looking guy spending his nights and days with a hottie. Yes, it was an addiction, and yes, I was hooked.

So was she.

Years afterwards after an explosive breakup and a running feud, we were still in each other's head. When she suicided, I swear I felt it, even though I was a state and a half away. I blamed myself. I thought she had caught the suicide urge from me. She already had it though, it was always a piece of our relationship. And if we had stuck together, I might have been able to save her. Or I might have gone with her. Something very romantic about that.

And very much worshiping death. Obsessing with it. As long as I embraced her memory, it screwed up the here and now. That was a hard lesson to learn.

I can't be the white knight. I can only be a friend. I can't be a savior, but I can lend a shoulder and an ear. I can't shield anyone from the cold darkness, but I can share a little body heat under the blanket. I can't bring joy, but I can give a smile.

The measure of a man is in the lives he touches.

I changed because I made a choice. My faith helped, but it was still my choice. The universe and my Gods may have nudged me, but I was the one who put me here now.

I can see the sunrise. That means I am still here for another day.

_____

Update - This piece got a much bigger reaction than I expected.

I don't plan on writing a lot more on the subject. People use the depression to dismiss what I have to say, just like with the Aspergers.

"He can't help it, he's made that way." And instantly, anything I said goes "poof!" no matter what it's merit.

Still, the "Moon kissed" entry didn't make sense without some background.

If you are going through periodic depression or mood swings, you have my sympathy. But please remember that people around you aren't interested in excuses. Counting on the pity of others is not a good way to go, and it won't last very long.

You deserve respect because you are human.

You deserve to live because you chose it.

You deserve happiness because you embraced it.

Hang on. And trust.

Posted: Sun - May 10, 2009 at 07:30 AM
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